Stop saying "male loneliness epidemic" and start calling it what it is
- a social skills deficiency.
The phrase “male loneliness epidemic” is inherently misleading, identifying a symptom as the entire disease. The underlying issue is a lack of social skills, and the term “male loneliness epidemic” is designed to illicit outrage from men. Under the guise of taking a vested interest in men’s mental health issues, the “epidemic” has been co-opted by the alt-right as a primary talking point against feminism. We are then left with one cultural message: “It’s women’s fault.”
The “silent” crisis of men’s mental health has been a hot topic in a society in which mental health has been largely destigmatized. Talk about the male suicide rate is alarming, with men accounting for approximately 75% of all suicides - a number which has risen post-pandemic. This raised the question: “why the disparity?” and the answer was “male loneliness.” Men have fewer close friends. Men feel more isolated. Men have fewer support networks. It would be remiss to disagree with any of these statements, however it is incredibly misleading to blame poorer mental health outcomes on male loneliness alone. The underlying issue is a gender gap in social skills - a byproduct of the cultural messages pushed by a patriarchal society - and until we recognise this, the “male loneliness epidemic” will never cease. You can’t paint over a patch of damp without addressing the mold spores deep beneath.
Men report feeling less able to speak about their emotions. We are told it is a “silent killer” because men will not speak out about their mental health, and this is understood to be the result of sociocultural conditioning where messages like “showing emotion is a sign of weakness” are pushed from infancy. This inability to communicate emotionally limits the depth of male friendships as they cannot sustain interpersonal conversations which go beyond surface-deep. It is not just an inability to communicate emotions, but a reluctancy to ask about each others’ emotions. Men who have been fed the core message “feelings are not manly” do not grow up to be well-adjusted. They find themselves without the skillset to identify, regulate, and communicate their own emotions, let alone ask someone else about theirs. The only solution that has been worked is, you guessed it, a woman.
Men rely heavily on their female partners to carry the emotional weight of relationships, to facilitate their social lives, and to therapize them. We do not see the same phenomenon with women relying on their partners, as women tend to have established support networks and close friendships. The problem of more recent years however, has been that women are becoming disillusioned with the prospects of partnership, and increasingly aware of the burdens that accompany it. Fewer women are choosing relationships, and those who do are choosing partners who demonstrate self-regulation and emotional intelligence. These rising standards have left a large portion of men without prospects, and this has resulted in a general resentment towards women. Instead of going to therapy, and learning how to become emotionally healthy individuals, many men are falling down alt-right “red pill” pipelines which place the sole blame on women. “80% of women like 20% of men. There’s no hope for the rest of us. Women don’t care about us. Feminists are causing male loneliness.” It’s a slippery slope.
When you approach the problem as an issue solely caused by “male loneliness” it is very easy to make it seem as though women are at fault. Burgeoning resentment and hatred towards women thusly follows. Any mention of misogyny-driven femicide is quickly met with the rebuttal, “the male loneliness epidemic is killing so many men” in a way not at all dissimilar to the question “what about International Men’s Day!?” on March 8th. In extreme cases, “incel” (involuntary celibate) groups seek to place the blame for all male issues on women, and this often has catastrophic and violent outcomes. Lonely men have poor self esteem, and lack emotional regulation. They seek connection and empathy which they cannot find in the real world, online in extremist forums, with other unregulated and unhealthy individuals. But like a termite infestation, the rot spreads out of the woodwork, off the computer and into the real world.
I am not going to humour this “epidemic” with a proposed solution. Women are not the solution. We are not going to offer ourselves up as the problem-solvers. We already carry the weight of driving a movement of change for ourselves. I will however make the point clear: calling it a “male loneliness epidemic” is actively making it harder to solve. The root cause is a patriarchal society, and the poor conditioning of male children which creates a deficiency in social skills. Coupled with widespread hatred for women, and the learned helplessness of poorly adjusted men, the results are detrimental to everyone involved. There is no “male loneliness epidemic” - it’s a social skills deficiency. Let’s call it what it is.